At this time a year ago the statement coming out of my mouth was, "I need the New Year, because I cannot handle 2013 anymore."
Well, I'm pleased to announce I've had an even rougher, tougher, meaner year, and yet I'm not echoing the same sentiment as last year.
Yes, it's been a wild ride, a tough one, but I've only gotten stronger and more capable. I've only become more myself. And instead of trying to ditch the experiences of 2014, I'd like to take a moment, embrace them, and express my gratitude for everything that has happened in the last year.
Around the beginning of the year, I began a job in the hospitality industry. Everyday was taxing as I questioned humanity and it's capability to be kind. As my co-workers told me that I needed to "grow a thicker skin," I sank deeper into the stress of the job. I never took the rude comments personally. My self-esteem never took a hit due to the comments of hate from these rude vacationers. I began questioning how these people treated other people, not just me; their families, their wives, their children. I started wondering if a generation of children was being raised to treat people as poorly as these vacationers were treating the hospitality industry. I thought about humanity on a greater scale than just the present interaction, and it hurt my heart. I had just about reached my limit when another job opportunity, a perfect one for me, arose.
I applied, interviewed, and ultimately got hired to manage the Pearl Izumi store. This happens to be perfect for me, as I've worked for the company, on and off, for about seven years.
I feel like I worked really hard this summer. I trained to manage, hired and trained two new employees, increased the marketing of the store, brought in new product, went to events, and didn't notice that my depression meds had started to wear off. I noticed I was fatigued. I thought it was because I was working so hard.
I went on a couple bike rides this summer. Something I can always count on to bring me joy. A few were amazing. I woke up early to spend time with some girlfriends, riding up Cold Creek at 6:30 in the morning before work. These morning rides made me feel powerful. Until they didn't. Until I couldn't get out of bed anymore. Until every ounce of energy I had went into going into work, doing the bare minimum at my job to get by, and then going home and going to bed.
Mornings were the worst. With the day looming ahead, I sit on my couch sipping my coffee, wondering how I was going to get through the day. I'd walk my dog and be in tears by the time I got home, wondering why this was no longer bringing me joy, wondering what was happening to me.
Early September I went to see a psychiatrist who prescribed me a med that he claimed would improve my mood. This drug made me anxious, made my hands and feet tingle, and ultimately made me feel as though I were going crazy. When I phoned him regarding the side effects, his response was that he'd like to get me on a higher dose. I stopped seeing him immediately and continued my hunt for a psychiatrist who cared and would help find me in this deep depression.
By the end of September I could no longer go to work. I set up medical leave for myself, since I could no longer get out of bed, my anxiety so high I could no longer drive. I spent the majority of the days crying. For no reason but that I had no idea what was happening to me, and I couldn't see myself ever feeling better again.
Eventually, my new psychiatrist recommended I go inpatient. I was admitted to West Hills Psychiatric Hospital on October 2. To say this hospitalization was the worst experience of my life would be an understatement. The nurses were neglectful, disrespectful, my doctor was passive aggressive, and I realized that this was not the healing, helpful environment I desperately needed to heal.
When I asked to be discharged, as I was there voluntarily, I was put on a 72 hour legal hold. To this day, it cannot be explained to me why this happened. No one can give me a solid answer as to why they were legally able to take away all my rights and able to keep me in the hospital for 72 more hours, regardless of the fact that I was there voluntarily.
My mother charged in on October 7, partway through my legal hold and fought until they let me out. I'm not sure how often a legal hold gets lifted, but if anyone can make it happen, my mother can.
I went back to my parents house, with my new meds, and slept on a mattress in my parents living room for weeks, until I felt the new med beginning to kick in. I began exercising again. My friends came and visited with me, making me laugh, bringing me toys. I hadn't laughed in what felt like years.
And one day, I felt strong enough to drive myself home. In this depression, and the process of coming out of it, I learned great things about myself. I was given the gift of time, time to process, time to learn, time to grow, time to get perspective, time to sit still, time with no obligations.
I returned to my job, stronger than ever, with a new perspective, a new light in my eyes, new hope and enthusiasm for the future.
I've discovered more about myself in the last year than I've ever been given the opportunity to. The biggest lesson that came out of the depression is that I've lived my entire life living up to everyone else's expectations. When external validation is removed from the equation, I have no idea what I want, who I am, my needs, desires, where I'm headed.
So, my goal in the last few months has been to act on what I want, not to put as much energy into what other people are thinking. Not put as much energy into what other people expect from me, act upon my own integrity, my own boundaries, my own expectations. And not act seeking external validation.
I know what I am good at. I have no idea what I want. What an amazing place to be. All the doors are suddenly wide open. I believe I am capable of anything I truly put my mind to. And I'm at an amazing launching point for this upcoming year.
This year was hard for me. But I am grateful it happened. I'm grateful for everyone in my life who supports me, loves me, for who I am.
I welcome 2015 with wide open arms. I embrace and bid a fond farewell to 2014, for everything that it was.
