I recently came across a box of momentos from treatment that I thought was lost forever. I have memories of certain pieces of artwork I had done, collages, watercolors, etc. that I recalled as being extremely helpful to my recovery. But I haven't been able to find them.
I remember presenting them to my treatment team in sessions and hearing feedback. Important feedback that helped me use these pieces of art to move to my next step in recovery.
My creative mind, my artistic mind was extremely helpful in my recovery because it allowed me to explore my inner world without limitations or rules. I could write poetry about my eating disorder, I could see caricatures within my family system, I could visualize certain aspects of my own emotional life. I could get them onto paper, in color, for others to help me witness, and unpack, the chaos in my mind.
I haven't been able to find certain pieces that I was sure I created. Pieces that were extremely helpful to me. I figured they has gotten lost along the way.
This morning, I went to sort through a box I thought was old dishes to see what could go to Goodwill and found an art gallery from the time I was in treatment. I remember creating each piece, every single detail, how each piece helped me articulate struggles when words wouldn't work. Each piece uncovered the next step in my treatment process.
I remember the prompts for each Creative Representation...
June 2009: Do a Creative Representation of your eating disorder
In this representation, the quotes swirling away were my stream of consciousness, the thoughts I always perceived I was flushing away... the reasons I purged:
"Am I perfect now?"
"Failure"
"Fat"
"Ugly"
"Shame"
"Weakness"
"Am I perfect now?"
All swirling away and masked by the letters that spelled out "ESCAPE". My time with my head in the toilet was my escape. This representation helped me discover why purging was so attractive to me. It forced me to look at the behavior and articulate why it was there. It was my escape. It was a distraction. These emotions and questions, "am I perfect now?" that haunted me every second of everyday could be flushed, could be gone for the 30 seconds I spent with my head in the toilet.
This awareness of the function of purging in my eating disorder gave me a new power, another step in the direction of recovery. I could begin to process the emotions, instead of needing to flush them away.
July 2009: Do a Creative Representation of the role of Costumes in your eating disorder
"You talk a lot about costumes and fitting into them. You talk about how they look and what it means to you. I want you to do a creative representation of what this looks like to you and how your eating disorder ruled your time in theatre, your time on stage, and your time in costumes."
I remember the prompt crystal clear. I remember feeling possessed as I created this piece: a perfect, pretty, pink dress that I wanted to fit into. A perfect ballet costume that I would put on and feel precious. I wanted to feel precious and tiny. I wanted to be a little doll in a perfect, pink little costume. As I drew this dress, I saw it turning into a corset before my eyes, I saw the hands of the eating disorder tightening the strings, pulling tighter and tighter on me until I could hardly breathe. I didn't fit. I would never fit into this costume. I was not precious enough. The hands of my eating disorder, tightened the strings on the dress, and the beautiful pink fabric across the chest, fabric that was supposed to adorn me and make me feel pretty, turned into a scale. Another way to control myself.
Costumes were a way to gauge my size. I desperately wanted to feel pretty and adorable in these costumes, yet they were just one more way for the eating disorder to keep control of me.
I was very proud of this piece of artwork. It allowed me to acknowledge the girl inside me that wanted to be a precious little doll. I didn't realize this need until I started sketching. With this new found awareness, I could then treat myself with an abundance of compassion. I could find ways to adore myself that had nothing to do with size.
I could begin to untangle the strings of the corset the eating disorder had synched around me.
August 2009: Do a Creative Representation of your Family
Pictured above (I know it's hard to see):
ME: A clown, trying to make everyone laugh- even at my own expense
MOM: Doing an impossible balancing act in the center
SISTER: A book worm, a champion
ME: Colorful chaos
MOM & SISTER: Siamese cats making fun, taunting from the sidelines
ME & MOM'S PARTNER: Goofing off
Everything surrounded by a white picket fence, because we are "normal" & "perfect". Or at least did everything within our power to appear so.
This is hard to see and even more difficult to describe. However, when I displayed this at my next family therapy session, everyone's eyes widened, they laughed uncomfortably, and we got down to business of discussing family systems and the role they play in the eating disorder. This collage was painfully accurate and once the family had awareness of our dysfunctional patterns and toxic roles, we could chose to deal with them. Or not.
Everyone's family patterns are different, everyone has certain roles they play to make the family function. These patterns are deeply ingrained in our beings, and it is painful to try to change your role in the system. Being able to create a caricature of this helped a little bit.
I didn't realize that changing my role in the family system would be so difficult. It has taken 13 years of setting good boundaries. Thirteen years of speaking up when I don't like the patterns we are falling back into. Thirteen years of asking to be treated differently and ultimately distancing myself if it is unhealthy for me. Thirteen years of analyzing why we do and say certain things or exhibit specific behaviors in order to keep the family from upset. Thirteen years of upsetting the family because I know what is healthy for me and what is toxic.
August 2009: Do a Creative Representation of "The Beast"
I had a temper as a child. I would throw fits that would lead to my mother and I screaming at each other to the point where she had to talk to the neighbors to tell them that, "Everything is ok, Briana is just turning into The Beast again." The Beast. My mom had a name for my alter-ego. My temper. I would refuse to go places, refuse to put on shoes, refuse to join the family for activities and this would lead my mother and I into screaming matches, where both of us would end up crying.
When I was asked to do a Creative Representation of this alter-ego, my therapist assumed it would be an actual creature. But all I could think of was a child, put into a box, exploding everywhere with emotion, and not allowed to express any of it.
When I was a child, I was emotional. I was sad, frustrated, angry, confused. My parents separated when I was 7 and I wasn't given space to feel sad, feel confused. We "stuck together like glue" and marched forward as a family. If we had emotions, we put them on the schedule to talk about at the family meetings on Sundays. Emotions were denied, and then scheduled. This made for an explosive child who wanted attention, who wanted to emote, but had no idea how to.
What a blessing to come across these Creative Representations on this rainy Tuesday morning thirteen years past their original date of creation. To be able to look back with pride, knowing the internal struggle, and deep self analyses that went into each piece.
Art is powerful for mental health, because we can create without being told we are wrong. We can create without rules. We can put our emotions and experiences down on paper, in color, or in words, or both and these images sometimes speak more than we could ever articulate with words. And then we have images to work with in our recovery process. We discover aspects of our relationships, our behaviors, that we may never uncover without the freedom of artwork.
Our emotions and experiences are real and often have depth beyond the limitations of our language.
In my book, "To Date, like Normal," I take an even deeper dive into each of these topics and how each relates to the development of an eating disorder, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, how we can use the knowledge gained from these creative representations to untangle ourselves and ultimately recover.
As always, follow me on Instagram (@todate_likenormal) for more recovery-oriented content & thanks for reading!
No comments:
Post a Comment