The Most Surprising Thing

In the last few years since my discharge from the Center For Hope of the Sierras, I've visited the Center to share my experiences with the women currently in treatment there. We do a group session, in a question and answer format, about recovery. This way I am able to share my recovery process. The group is good for the women in treatment because they can see a woman who was once ruled by her eating disorder living a life eating disorder free. These visits are good for me as well because they reaffirm how far I've come in my recovery.

The two questions that I am asked most frequently are, “What was the most surprising thing you encountered upon your discharge?” and “I can’t see myself ever living without an eating disorder, I don’t think it’s possible. How do you live without your eating disorder?”

Q: What was the most surprising thing you encountered upon your discharge?

A: How much it ruled everything, every aspect of my life. Before treatment, this was normal, I was accustomed to it. Getting out of treatment was terrifying because I had to develop a whole new identity, without my eating disorder. For most of my life, my eating disorder was everything. It was my entire life. It was my identity. It made my decisions for me; who I hung out with, where I went, everything I did, was ruled by my eating disorder. When I got out of treatment, everything had shifted. I was given the opportunity to figure out who I was without an eating disorder. It was challenging and terrifying, but to this day, it is endlessly rewarding. I make decisions for myself now. I decide where I want to go, who I want to hang out with, what I want to do, without the eating disorder haunting every decision. I had no idea how many aspects of my life the eating disorder had ruled, and getting out of treatment everything was different. My whole life, my whole identity changed. i had to be alright with this and allow change to happen.

Q: How do you live your life without an eating disorder?

A: I no longer identify myself by my weight and my eating disorder. I find other outlets in my life that highlight the aspects of my personality that I want to identify with. Had you asked me a few years ago if I ever saw myself living without my eating disorder I would've flat out responded, “No.” I didn't think I could function without it. It takes moment to moment honesty with myself, making recovery oriented decisions, and staying on track to separate myself out from my eating disorder. Everyday there are hundreds of decisions about my life that need to be made. I make them now, not the eating disorder. I recognize when my eating disorder is screaming at me to act a certain way, or act on certain urges, and I make the recovery oriented decision. It takes incredible amounts of courage to stand up to the voice in your head trying to make you indulge in the eating disorder. I believe in a life that is not ruled by an eating disorder. I believe in recovery now. Through a lot of hard work, it is possible. Something that has changed in my mindset is that I believe in recovery. I believe I can live my life without my eating disorder. I fill my life with real activities, including reading, knitting, and going out with friends. This is how I live my life without an eating disorder.