I've been reading many articles about Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's. I'm sure we all have. These articles have explained in beautiful detail how her performance was racist, progressive for bisexuality, a "grinding declaration of her adulthood".
I'd like to voice my own opinion on the performance without slut-shaming, without the usual "oh, how sad, look what sweet little Hannah Montana has turned into," but expressing what I experienced while watching videos of the performance.
I don't have television, I didn't see the VMA's live, so when the cyberspace exploded on Monday about this performance I started doing research, watching videos (I had to confirm my age several times to watch the performance), reading articles, and, as a feminist, here's what I have to say: What do performances like Miley Cyrus' at the VMA's mean for the rest of us? First of all, I had to "urban dictionary" the term 'twerking' as it was in most headlines. Miley threw this move into her choreography many times in her performance. The shock value of this performance was frighteningly high, as I feel it is for most things in our culture currently. I feel like people are banking more and more on shock value to get attention. Everything has to have shock value or it goes unnoticed. We can claim we are immune, that these acts don't affect us. But media (television, magazines, advertising, and especially pop stars) dictate our culture and set standards as to how the rest of us are supposed to act, and how we feel we are supposed to be living our lives. Typical reactions to the performance: Slut-shaming Shaming the music Claiming it's not music Shaming Miley, herself ("What a hot mess") Claiming, "This doesn't affect me..." But it does...and here's how... Because Miley's performance was so shocking, it affects the standards and 'ups the ante'. How it affects me:
It affects the way I feel I need to dress
What is appropriate to wear? The standards are changing now that a 20 year old can parade around in a gold bikini and rip off a furry leotard.
It affects the way I feel people see me
Do I need to act like that? Do I need to gyrate against the man who is in charge, to fit in?
It reinforces women performing instead of experiencing
In her book Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher explains that in adolescence, girls realize that in order to get what they want out of society, in order to fit in and not make waves, they begin performing instead of experiencing. They find out what others want from them and put themselves on display, take care of others needs, put others before themselves, perform, and become what others want them to be. They perform instead of getting in touch with their own wants, needs, and desires. Instead of taking care of themselves and experiencing their lives. Women become a display, we neglect ourselves and our experience to perform and fit in in order to survive. With her performance, Miley upped the ante. Imagine what her experience of that was like, if she had one at all. This further perpetuates the notion of women needing to perform instead of experience. She was completely on display, taking care of the man's needs, neglecting her own experience. If she was striving for her own, positive, experience I doubt she would be running around stripping leotards off, sticking her tongue out at the audience, and creating such a ruckus in the headlines.
It makes me feel like I have to compete with THAT for attention
Miley upped the ante of what is acceptable. How am I supposed to behave now? I'm not a prude, but she was so publicly sexual, it makes me question intimacy, and how our society is viewing intimacy now.
How it affects daughters:
It affects the way they dress
"No, you may not wear that gold bikini and be Miley Cyrus for Halloween"
It affects the way they feel they have to act
Will twerking be the new norm at middle school dances (did I use that word right?)
Her fan club is aging with her, "Are we supposed to act like that now? OMG!"
She was wearing pigtails, dancing with teddy bears
Which means she is still trying to act like a child. By behaving that way while adorned with a hairdo associated with younger girls, prancing around with teddy bears, she is sexualizing children and still trying to appeal to her younger crowd. She is terrifyingly reflecting child pornography. I think this was the most upsetting part of the performance for me, and I haven't seen it mentioned in any article anywhere.
How it affects sons:
It confuses boys as to if that's what they're supposed to be attracted to
It changes their expectations of women
Adolescent boys are confused as to what sort of girls they should be giving attention to, what kind and how to give that attention. This performance gave a display of women that now boys may expect that sort of behavior from girls, that is confusing for men and women.
That's it. I don't think anyone actually took her seriously as much as we were embarrassed for her, but it's acts like this that 'up the ante' and change the standards. We need to take this, and how the media affects us, seriously.
I have an 11 month old Golden Retriever. His name is Cody. I've had him since he was 8 weeks old. He goes everywhere with me. He is the love of my life. Every morning, when he hears my alarm go off, he comes over and gently puts his head on the bed, ready for his morning pets. We walk downstairs together to make coffee. As soon as he gets into the living room, he rolls on his back and looks at me, "I love you. Rub my belly." I cuddle with him in the living room while water for my coffee boils. This is how we start our day everyday. His ears perk up when I walk into the bathroom, as this is where I keep his food. He starts wiggling when he hears me scooping kibble into his bowl. A glucosamine pill and plenty of kibble are set in the living room and quickly scarfed down. Cody loves to eat.
Cody greets me when I get home from work. I open the door and see his nose poke around trying to get to me. He's wiggling, bumping into me, excited to see me. And, almost immediately, he's on his back "I love you I'm so glad to see you. Rub my belly."
Cody gets two meals a day, one with a glucosamine pill for his joints. Cody gets Dentastix. Cody gets brushed almost everyday. The house is littered with his toys. Cody gets two walks a day, no matter what. Cody gets caressed, pet, and loved. I tell him hundreds of times a day what a good boy he is and how much I love him.
Cody runs beside my bike, he stays out of the way of the wheels, and darts into bushes chasing squirrels. He runs up ahead, stops, and looks back at me, "I'm so glad we're biking today. Watch me run!" He checks in to make sure I'm still part of the pack and then takes off running through the woods. He drinks out of my Camelbak and takes breaks in the shade. We went on a really long bike ride yesterday. It was much more than I bargained for. Cody ran the whole time. I watch him closely for signs of exhaustion and he didn't show any. Today Cody looks like he's hurting and I feel awful watching him hobble around like an old man. I know I pushed his limits yesterday and I am heartbroken about it. I take really good care of Cody. I realize that the way I pushed Cody yesterday is reflective of the way I push myself in my daily life and am furious with myself for it. I push myself well past the point of exhaustion on any given run or ride. I'll not eat sufficient nutrients to support my body during exercise. I won't eat nutrients to support daily activity and I'll expect my body to function normally regardless. In terms of self-care, I don't spend much time taking care of my needs, taking care of myself. I don't spend on positive, loving thoughts directed at myself. When I look in the mirror I am devastated by what I see and berate myself for not being thin enough, not having the perfect body. Cody looks at me and sees nothing but positive energy coming his way. I take really good care of Cody: I brush him, feed him, walk him, make sure his water bowl is always full. All while I starve and dehydrate myself. I need to start treating myself the way I treat Cody. I would never starve Cody or make him go without water. I would never assume his needs are unnecessary or unwarranted. I will never push him athletically the way I did yesterday. I take really good care of Cody. I spoil him because I love him. I wonder what my life would be like if I spoiled myself because I loved myself and believed I deserved it?
I would drink when I am thirsty. I would eat when I am hungry. I would cry when I am sad. I would run until I was tired and then STOP. I would look in the mirror and send loving energy to my body. I would acknowledge that I have needs. I would believe I deserved my needs to be met.
Having an eating disorder means your mind is occupied with thoughts of weight, calories, food, the size of your jeans, what you ate earlier, what you ate yesterday, and what you're going to eat later today. All the time. It's obsessive. It feels non-stop. Like an ipod of self deprecating thoughts on repeat. For those in this struggle these thoughts are everything. When I'm really struggling I judge everyday by how my jeans feel, what I did or did not eat. I judge everyday through the eyes of my eating disorder, and that's what makes up my life, what makes up my memories. I've started to look around and see how other people judge their lives and create their memories. A phrase comes to mind. "Remember that one time?" I have a vision of people sitting around, laughing, reliving their greatest memories. "Remember that time Joey did a back flip off that bridge into the lake?" "Remember that huge party we used to throw every Fourth of July?" "Remember that one time...?" Fill in the blank. People are out there living their lives, existing without eating disorders. These are real memories. Real life. I think of my memories and they include: Remember that time those skinny jeans finally fit? Remember that time I had to put a belt on cause my pants kept falling off? Remember the first time you threw up? Remember the first time you stepped on that scale? Remember all those times you said, "I ate before I came"? These don't count. This is not a life lived to the fullest. My latest goal is to start noticing all the times in my life I can laugh with friends and say, "Remember that one time...?" I want to start making real memories that have nothing to do with my weight, food, calories, or body size. My life needs to be full of activities that occupy my mind and keep me engaged in a healthy life. When I look back on my life, I want it to count. What memories are you making?
I watched Matt Ryd's Eating Disorder Awareness video this morning and several things struck me. Watch it, it's beautiful and powerful. He brought ED awareness to me, someone who's had an eating disorder for 11 years. I am sorry to say we lost this powerful voice last week. Donations are being made in his name to NEDA and ANAD.
First of all, he had a quote that was powerful to me... "What?! I thought eating disorders were a teenage girl's disease." This hit home with me, because I'm 25 and still struggling with something I've been fighting since I was 8. Even in the last few weeks I've been thinking, "Geez, why haven't I outgrown this yet? Isn't this a teenage girl's disease?" I have to keep reminding myself, as Matt Ryd reminded me, eating disorders strike all age groups, all races, all genders, and all sexual orientations. That I'm not out of line in my struggles. That anyone can be struggling with an eating disorder and I am not alone. I have to remind myself the same thing with depression. I keep thinking to myself lately, "I feel like a melodramatic teenager. Shouldn't I have outgrown this by now?" Matt's video reminded me that depression can affect anyone, not just melodramatic teenagers. He reminded me that what I'm feeling is real, and validated my emotions and mood swings. Even for someone who's struggled for most of their life, it takes a powerful, brave hero like Matt to stand up and remind me that I am not struggling alone. I am not alone in recovery. His quote, "You know someone with an eating disorder," was powerful to me, because I am not public about having an eating disorder. I often wonder how many people I could impact if I was public about my struggles and about my recovery process. Matt was brave, a hero, and an inspiration to continue on my road to recovery. Rest in peace.
