Taking Up Space

I've never wanted to take up space. I've never wanted to attract unwanted attention. Never wanted to be seen as having needs or even therefore existing. I usually apologize for taking up space. But the other night I took up space. I had needs. 
I went dancing/clubbing with my best friend. We got to the club right as it was opening. People scattered around the bar sipping drinks. The multicolored lights flickered around the dark, empty dance floor. The music was blaring, people were bobbing to the beat, but no one was occupying the actual dance floor.
We didn't skip a beat, but walked straight to the middle of the empty dance floor and began dancing. At first I was extremely self conscious. Everyone at the bar was watching our lonely selves dancing. Alone. On the dance floor. The dance floor was huge. Unoccupied, it seemed to stretch out on all sides of us and only stopped where eyes peering over drinks were glancing at us, casting judgement. Because we were alone. And then I remembered how much I love dancing. My body moving to the rhythm of the music. It is soulful. Its rhythmic. I closed my eyes, threw my head back and let the music drown out any judgement being cast my way.
I had walked onto that dance floor not wanted to take up space. And suddenly I didn't care how big I became. I could become as big as I wanted, because I was out on the dance floor alone. I stretched out my arms and energy pulsed through them all the way out to my finger tips. I was aware of every part of my body. And I wasn't judging it.
My initial instinct when thinking about my body is to judge it. Last night, while dancing, I was stepping, jumping, laughing, kicking, bobbing my head, and I wasn't judging myself.I was apologetically taking up space. After about 30 minutes of bouncing around the empty dance floor more people began to join us. 
What I learned the other night was that I can enjoy my body. My body is allowed to bring me joy. I gave myself permission to be as big as I could be.
In times past it's been my habit to be disconnected from my body. To not inhabit the "it" that is a body I have not yet been able to claim as mine.
Walking onto an empty dance floor, taking up space, not apologizing for it, and dancing alone was a reclamation of my body I cannot remember ever experiencing. I felt enlightened, connected, and alive. 

On another note... I've started a project. A body image project. While at CHS we would do "creative representations" of certain aspects of our recovery. I've started doing one "creative representation" a day of my body; how I see my body, what it means to me on any given day. I know that my body image, how I perceive my body, changes day to day. It can even change minute to minute. I'm drawing how I see my body everyday for a few months to watch how it changes and journaling emotions to see how my emotions are connected to my body image. I'm working on improving how I see my body. I think this is a creative way to turn my body perceptions inside out and improve them by understanding them first.

On Boundaries

Boundaries (n, pl): 
Something that indicates a border or a limit.

Simple as that. 

Emotional boundaries let us know where we end and another person begins. They allow us to have healthy relationships. When I inform the world of my boundaries, it shows what I will and will not stand for. Boundaries let me know what I am willing to protect and they let me know what I deserve. Boundaries are a set of attitudes and behaviors that let the world know what to expect from me. They are part of my identity and create strength and self-worth, a sense of individuality. 

In recovery I've had to rediscover and redefine my boundaries for my emotional and mental health. I set boundaries regarding my family and friends. I set boundaries regarding my employment. I set boundaries regarding recovery itself. 

Recovery Boundaries

• Recovery comes first, no matter what. Recovery comes before my family, my friends, my employment, my education. I know very well I cannot have any of these: relationships, education, employment, with a raging eating disorder. So, my recovery comes first. Always. No matter what.
• No weighing. No counting. No looking at labels. No "fat" talk. No dieting. Each of these eating disordered behaviors will only lead to more eating disordered behaviors, so the boundary I set is that I will not engage in any of them.

Family Boundaries

• I have some experiences that are mine that I do not need to share with my family. I find things to do where I will not be seeking my family's approval. Running, cycling, and skiing are all things that I can do by myself, all things I establish my personality away from my family. Where I can be myself and find myself as an individual. 
• Coming out of treatment I established that I ate at 8:30, 12:30, and 6:30, no matter what, with snacks in between. This was a boundary regarding eating that I set to keep myself from skipping meals.  

Relationship Boundaries

• You will not ignore me
• You will pay attention to me
• You will support me and my goals
• You will love me like I deserve to be loved
• You will appreciate the way I live my life

Setting boundaries takes a firm sense of self. It takes practice and a lot of energy. The first few times I stood up for myself I was terrified that people would be angry with me or not like me anymore. I discovered that other's respect for me grew when I vocalized my needs and stood up for myself. 

Intuitive Eating as it applies to ED recovery

As I pull myself back on track, I think now is a good time to visit the Intuitive Eating Principles, the principles I strive to live by. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch wrote their book Intuitive Eating, based on these 10 principles. It is basically eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. Saying it simply makes it sound easy, but to someone with an eating disorder this is often the most challenging thing I do in and out of every day. I highly recommend visiting their website, http://www.intuitiveeating.org/content/10-principles-intuitive-eating, to see how Tribole and Resch outline the 10 principles. Below I will outline what each principle means to me and my history. 

1. Reject the Diet Mentality

Our society is addicted to dieting. What would you say if you had cancer and the doctor told you the treatment he had in mind had something like a 95% failure rate? You wouldn't try that treatment, right? Dieting has something like 95% failure rate, yet people continue to bounce around from diet to diet thinking that each new diet is the cure for their body hatred. "This is the diet, this one will work." I did. I dieted most of my childhood. It did nothing but mess up my hunger signals, trick me into hating my body, and make me feel guilty if I was ever eating, if I was ever not on a diet. 

The Diet Mentality is a form of restriction. It is a form of control. To me, it is a mentality that says that I am better because I am dieting. It keeps me trapped thinking that I will find the perfect me eventually, it is a cycle that never allows me to just be, but keeps me striving for something I will never achieve because I can always be dieting. Rejecting this mentality to me means not counting, not weighing, not looking at labels, not restricting from certain food groups, and saying "no!" to that voice in my head that needs control and controls by controlling food.

2. Honor Your Hunger

I need to listen to my body and accept that I feel hunger. I do not need to control my hunger. I do not need to control my needs. Hunger does not mean that I am fat or lazy, hunger means I am human. Once I accept this, I need to honor my hunger by eating. If my hunger goes ignored, for too long, it triggers my urge to binge. Or, if I restrict for too long, it triggers my urge to keep restricting. When I do not honor my hunger it triggers my eating disorder urges. Honoring my hunger means, first acknowledging that I am hungry. Once I acknowledge I am hungry, I decide how hungry I am, then I eat an appropriate amount to honor my hunger. 

3. Make Peace with Food 

I have been at war with food most of my life. For the last few years, the times when I am strongest in my recovery is when I am not thinking of food as the enemy but as my ally. Food makes me strong, food gives me energy to live my life to the fullest. Food helps me think clearly. Food is fuel and nourishment. When I am nourished and healthy, I think clearly, I have energy, I am happy, I am excited. I give myself unconditional permission to eat. What used to lead to binges was the thought that I'd never get to eat again. I used to think that my eating disorder was never going to let me eat again, so I had to eat all I could while I was allowed, and that led to binges. But when I have unconditional permission to eat, the urge to binge dissipates. 

4. Challenge the Food Police 

The Food Police are those voices in your head that create abstract, unreasonable rules regarding food. Or say you are good or bad for eating or not eating certain foods. Some of the rules the Food Police create are just plain weird. I liken the food police to my Ed, my eating disorder. I have full on conversations with them. They tell me not to eat something or congratulate me for a successful restriction. I argue with them, using my Wise Mind, saying that I need to eat to have energy and health. That restricting is not recovery oriented and I no longer classify myself as good or bad based on food choices, but based on who I am as a person.

5. Respect Your Fullness

This to me is huge because I have to stay balanced between too full and too empty. In my first couple years of recovery I had to stay extremely mindful all the time because if I got too full, it triggered my urge to purge. If I got to hungry it triggered my urge to restrict. I have a hunger scale I refer to. A 10 is totally stuffed, a 1 is starving. I have to keep myself between a 4-7 on the scale so I don't trigger my urge to purge and I don't trigger my urge to restrict. Respecting my fullness to me, means staying mindful. Being respectful of my body means I don't need to be uncomfortably full, or empty, anymore. 

6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor 

Satiation is knowing when you've had enough. It is not when you are full, but when you are satisfied. This continues to be hard for me because I don't necessarily enjoy eating yet. I still think of it as a task. I enjoy grilling with friends, I enjoy going out on dates, but a simple meal by myself I put no effort into. I am working on this because I understand I deserve to be satisfied and I am working on the notion that satisfaction can come from food. For example, I can make myself a nice dinner even if there is no one there to enjoy it with. I can make it and enjoy it because I deserve it. I can eat to the point of satisfaction, taste it, enjoy it, and stop when I am satiated. I can do this just because I am me and I deserve it. 

7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food 

Crying, laughing, screaming, talking, and standing up for myself are all ways I've discovered are effective ways to cope with emotions without using food. I do not need to calm myself by controlling what I eat. Lately, writing has been a really great way for me to process my emotions and my life. When I first started treatment I had to acknowledge I was feeling emotions. Once I know I'm feeling the emotion I can process through it instead of numbing it with the eating disorder.  

8. Respect Your Body 

This is really hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my body, and I wish I could have another one. But then I'll go do something incredible, like climb Mt Shasta or run through Desolation Wilderness or ride a great bike ride and I'm reminded how much my body does for me and I am extremely grateful for it. I have to remind myself not to manipulate my body size. Just like I can't manipulate my height or my shoe size, I cannot manipulate my weight. I am working on accepting my natural body weight. I try to focus more on what my body does for me than what I want to change about it. I am grateful for my creative arms and hands, I am grateful for my brain, I am grateful for my powerful legs, and nurturing smile. 

9. Exercise--Feel the Difference 

The key word here is feel. Listen to your body. Feel your body move through space. Feel how your energy manifests itself in the world. Stop forcing yourself to exercise to lose weight. Forget about calories. Stop thinking and start feeling. 

10 Honor Your Health

To me this means honoring my physical, my spiritual, and my mental health. Honoring my physical health means I pay attention to my self-care, I take my meds, I get my playtime in when I have energy, I eat enough to fuel my activities. Honoring my mental health means maintaining my relationships, vocalizing my opinions, emoting when I need to, and processing emotions when they arise, not stuffing them away for later. Honoring my spiritual health means spending alone time to think and meditate. It means taking quiet time away from stress to decompress and realign myself. In this quiet time I am able to reaffirm my self-worth. Honoring my health is honoring myself, taking time to take care of me and give myself what I deserve. 

Family Roles

Once you have an awareness of something you cannot become unaware of it. Your awareness follows you everywhere. You are aware, you are enlightened. Once you know something, you cannot un-know it. In the last month or two, I have the awareness of many important people in my life not taking me seriously. This shows up when people interrupt me, criticize me, don't listen to me, and lecture me. Once I became aware of it, I noticed it happened all the time. 

Among my family this is just a pattern we've established, the roles we fit into, the family dynamics that make up our family system. My sister keeps the peace and I'm the the little sister, the one that needs babying. I've always been the one that needs to be lectured, no one takes me seriously. These patterns were established over 20 years ago and still stand to this day. Even though we've all evolved past them and we've all changed. 

For example, I'm hosting a BBQ for my dad's birthday. It's actually happening this afternoon. I am perfectly capable of hosting a BBQ, yet my dad and his wife apparently do not think so. A few weeks ago, I was bombarded with text messages from my dad's wife trying to plan the get together. Frustrated with her budding in, I invited them over to sit down and plan the BBQ. We established that I would be in charge of burgers and everyone else needed to bring side dishes (potato salad, chips and dip, etc). Come to find out the other day, my dad and his wife are bringing a Tri Tip. They are completely disregarding the conversation we had, the one where I established I would be in charge of burgers. If I wasn't so frustrated with no one ever listening to me, the situation would be comical. I wonder if people don't listen to me, don't trust I can take care of things, don't take me seriously, or don't think I'm going to follow through, cause heaven forbid we put Briana in charge of the main course. This is just one example of a litany of experiences I've had in the last few weeks where I've been made to feel extraordinarily incapable. 

I'm coming to see my family dynamics from a new perspective. While I get this new perspective I am trying to see myself not as a victim, but as capable of changing my role within the family to help my family be more functional. A good way to view how my family functions now is that if my sister makes a mistake the family sees it as a "learning experience". I could make the same mistake and I'm a huge fuck up. 

 In her book, Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher describes authenticity as “an ‘owning’ of all experience, including emotions and thoughts that are not emotionally acceptable.” To me, authenticity means being honest with myself and acknowledging how I feel in any given situation. It means trusting that my Wise Mind knows what is healthy for me. It means I trust myself to be genuine and act in accordance to my current emotional state. It means standing up for myself and following through.

I've had a few experiences in the last few days where I got to exercise my authenticity and stand up for myself. I sent messages to people that needed to be sent. I stood up for myself in my work environment. At the BBQ tonight, I hope I can continue to stand up for myself among my family and continue to reshape my family dynamics so I no longer have to be the incapable little sister. 

Field of Meds

Well. That was a cry for help. Not sure if it was from me or from the medical profession.

I went to the doctor's office yesterday for a med evaluation. I've been depressed lately. Really depressed. And my therapist/dietitian/ed specialist suggested I go in and get my meds evaluated. I've heard of such a thing as “Prozac Poop-Out”.  It's when depression medication wears out. Perhaps I am suffering from it.

I've been diagnosed with depression and bipolar since I was 17. I was medicated for a beat. And then not. And then again, since I was 21. And, right now, I'm depressed. I know it. I know my moods. I know when I'm depressed, I know when I'm manic. I've known it since I was 17.

Right now, I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. I'm over-sensitive. All I want to do is sleep. I can't figure it out. I don't want to ride my bike. I don't want to run. I can't get out of bed. This is what my depression looks like. And I really struggle with my eating disorder.

My therapist suggested I go to the doctor and get my medications adjusted. 

First let me begin by saying medical professionals need a crash course on eating disorders. Hell, I'll create it and present it to them. Eating disorders are so prevalent now, yet it seems doctors every where still don't know how to handle us. I feel like it's the biggest symptom, yet it's getting blatantly ignored because they don't know how to handle it. I understand eating disorders are complicated, that's why I see a specialist, but there should be a protocol for handling those of us with eating disorders. And it should be well known, because there are plenty of eating disorders out there.

My first experience with a doctor ignoring my eating disorder came when I was 15 or 16, right around the time I was getting really addicted to purging. My mom was worried about my weight loss and lack of energy and accompanied me on a doctor visit. It was a routine physical needed to participate on the high school dance team. At one point the doctor felt my swollen throat, looked me inquisitively in the eye and said, “And you've lost weight?” That's it. That is all he said. I know the doctor knew I'd been throwing up, and didn't ask my mom to step outside, didn't ask to see me privately. Didn't say a word about it. I know it's a sensitive subject, but it should have been addressed, who knows, it might have saved me years with my head in the toilet.  

A few years later in college, I went to a counselor when I was the deepest in my struggle. I told her my symptoms; I couldn't eat, and everything I did eat I forced myself to throw up. She told me to keep a journal and drink less coffee. At that point I'd never met anyone else with an eating disorder and thought I was completely alone in my struggle, completely crazy, and walked out completely hopeless, surrendering to the vicious thoughts in my head. Keep a journal and drink less coffee. 

At the doctor's office yesterday, I addressed that I've been feeling depressed and lethargic. I'm normally a highly energetic person, with lots of light in my eyes and can remember months past when I couldn't wait to get out of bed and greet the day, and this hasn't been the case for months. 

I read a study once that people who go to the doctor with symptoms of depression leave feeling better just because they leave with hope. Just addressing their symptoms gives them hope, talking about it with a doctor makes them feel like someone cares. Often these individuals leave feeling better before even beginning their meds. This was not the case with my appointment yesterday. 

The doctor told me that she, herself, didn't feel comfortable doing anything to my meds and that I need to see a psychiatrist. Fine. Ok. Made me feel a little crazy, that a doctor couldn't handle me anymore, but fine, I'll go see a psychiatrist. But she didn't have any recommendations for who to see! Her response was, "I know, it's so hard in Tahoe." And then she suggested we check my thyroid. That that could be why I'm depressed. I almost started crying. She didn't ask me any questions or seem to care at all about my current state of depression or the fact that I'm struggling with my eating disorder. It didn't come up at all, when in fact, it's a huge piece of my moods. I was insistent on her upping my antidepressants and she did. She is insistent on me seeing a psychiatrist and I will. 

I've experienced the medical profession as someone with an eating disorder for years now and have learned a few things:

• You have to fight for what you need
• I've had to argue for potassium infusions, even with a prescription, even when I'm a liability for a heart attack
• Believe in yourself and what you need, and deserve, and do not be afraid to ask for it. Yesterday, I did not leave the doctor's until she adjusted my meds, because I know it's what I needed
• Doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc are going to tell you you look healthy
• When I mention I have an eating disorder I get the response, "Well, you look healthy." My eating disorder hears, "Well you look fat." I have to hear these comments and shrug them off, not run with them. Healthy means my hair is not falling out. Healthy means my skin is glowing, Healthy means my eyes have life in them. Healthy does not mean fat. 
• Don't step on the scale
• I calmly ask if we can skip the scale and rarely the nurses have a problem. If this is an issue, I explain my history with the eating disorder and this usually puts the issue to rest. Even the sound of the scale is triggering to me. Even someone else knowing my weight is triggering to me. They can claim they need it for insurance purposes, and I can explain the relapse risk it poses to me. I know I am willing to walk out of a doctor's office if they insist on weighing me. I will not step on a scale. 

I have to keep these things in mind when navigating the medical profession with an eating disorder. It seems there is no sensitivity and I have to stay self-aware in what I need and not let doctor visits be triggering. My next goal is to find a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders. Tall order, I know. A new goal of mine I'm going to try to incorporate into my life is to help educate medical professionals about eating disorders. Another life long goal is to continue to stand up for myself, knowing what I need, and help others learn to navigate their way through the doctors and medical professionals to get what they need. 

Creating an Image

I had an interesting conversation with my sister a few days ago over glasses of crisp white wine. I had asked a few months ago if she'd ever been bullied about her weight. The answer was yes, and I had yet to hear the story. Having both been bullied about our weight growing up, we came to the conclusion that these comments from other children, these observations about our bodies at a young age, are devastating and haunting into adulthood. 

Ever since childhood, after a few snide remarks regarding my body, and wanting to lose weight to be a model, I've had an image in my head about what my body looks like. I've always thought I was heavier than I am. I criticize my thighs, my stomach, my arms. When I was a kid, I thought my legs looked like baby seals, huge rolls of blubber, so I stopped wearing shorts. I created a monstrous image of myself as a child and this image has haunted me ever since. I'm stuck with it in my head. That I'm the heavier child, that I'm the kid that doesn't fit anywhere. I still feel this way.

This is an image I've spent the last few years trying to replace. It's extraordinarily challenging because these images, and thoughts, play like a broken record in my head. I spent my entire childhood creating an image of myself, and how I fit into the world, what role I play, and I no longer fit this image. I need to re-create a more accurate representation of myself in my mind. 

I start by acknowledging that I am no longer a child. I am a grown woman. This means I wear woman's clothing, not children's clothes. This means I set grown up goals for myself and accomplish them in a timely fashion. This means I can be proud of myself for being a grownup, for being a woman. I no longer have to view my legs as rolls of blubber, I can see them as capable, strong parts of my body that climb mountains, ride bikes, and carry me through my life. I am working on seeing my body as my ally, not as my enemy. Growing up, I was constantly fighting my body, not letting it grow, always seeing it as something to be manipulated, something to hate. I am working now on finding ways to appreciate my body, my strength, my abilities, and my health. 

I can let go of feeling I am a chubby little sister. I can let go of feeling the embarrassment of being the "fat girl." I can let go of feeling like I don't fit anywhere. I can let go of the fear of eating at birthday parties.

I am working on accepting my body so I don't feel trapped and haunted by comments from 20 years ago, or an image I created of myself when I was a child. I'm working on accepting the body I've tried to manipulate for 15 years. I want to be more than a body. When I see myself, I want to see a whole woman with a confident personality. I can see my strength, my sense of humor, my smile, my talents, and my abilities.