Taking Up Space

I've never wanted to take up space. I've never wanted to attract unwanted attention. Never wanted to be seen as having needs or even therefore existing. I usually apologize for taking up space. But the other night I took up space. I had needs. 
I went dancing/clubbing with my best friend. We got to the club right as it was opening. People scattered around the bar sipping drinks. The multicolored lights flickered around the dark, empty dance floor. The music was blaring, people were bobbing to the beat, but no one was occupying the actual dance floor.
We didn't skip a beat, but walked straight to the middle of the empty dance floor and began dancing. At first I was extremely self conscious. Everyone at the bar was watching our lonely selves dancing. Alone. On the dance floor. The dance floor was huge. Unoccupied, it seemed to stretch out on all sides of us and only stopped where eyes peering over drinks were glancing at us, casting judgement. Because we were alone. And then I remembered how much I love dancing. My body moving to the rhythm of the music. It is soulful. Its rhythmic. I closed my eyes, threw my head back and let the music drown out any judgement being cast my way.
I had walked onto that dance floor not wanted to take up space. And suddenly I didn't care how big I became. I could become as big as I wanted, because I was out on the dance floor alone. I stretched out my arms and energy pulsed through them all the way out to my finger tips. I was aware of every part of my body. And I wasn't judging it.
My initial instinct when thinking about my body is to judge it. Last night, while dancing, I was stepping, jumping, laughing, kicking, bobbing my head, and I wasn't judging myself.I was apologetically taking up space. After about 30 minutes of bouncing around the empty dance floor more people began to join us. 
What I learned the other night was that I can enjoy my body. My body is allowed to bring me joy. I gave myself permission to be as big as I could be.
In times past it's been my habit to be disconnected from my body. To not inhabit the "it" that is a body I have not yet been able to claim as mine.
Walking onto an empty dance floor, taking up space, not apologizing for it, and dancing alone was a reclamation of my body I cannot remember ever experiencing. I felt enlightened, connected, and alive. 

On another note... I've started a project. A body image project. While at CHS we would do "creative representations" of certain aspects of our recovery. I've started doing one "creative representation" a day of my body; how I see my body, what it means to me on any given day. I know that my body image, how I perceive my body, changes day to day. It can even change minute to minute. I'm drawing how I see my body everyday for a few months to watch how it changes and journaling emotions to see how my emotions are connected to my body image. I'm working on improving how I see my body. I think this is a creative way to turn my body perceptions inside out and improve them by understanding them first.