Creating an Image

I had an interesting conversation with my sister a few days ago over glasses of crisp white wine. I had asked a few months ago if she'd ever been bullied about her weight. The answer was yes, and I had yet to hear the story. Having both been bullied about our weight growing up, we came to the conclusion that these comments from other children, these observations about our bodies at a young age, are devastating and haunting into adulthood. 

Ever since childhood, after a few snide remarks regarding my body, and wanting to lose weight to be a model, I've had an image in my head about what my body looks like. I've always thought I was heavier than I am. I criticize my thighs, my stomach, my arms. When I was a kid, I thought my legs looked like baby seals, huge rolls of blubber, so I stopped wearing shorts. I created a monstrous image of myself as a child and this image has haunted me ever since. I'm stuck with it in my head. That I'm the heavier child, that I'm the kid that doesn't fit anywhere. I still feel this way.

This is an image I've spent the last few years trying to replace. It's extraordinarily challenging because these images, and thoughts, play like a broken record in my head. I spent my entire childhood creating an image of myself, and how I fit into the world, what role I play, and I no longer fit this image. I need to re-create a more accurate representation of myself in my mind. 

I start by acknowledging that I am no longer a child. I am a grown woman. This means I wear woman's clothing, not children's clothes. This means I set grown up goals for myself and accomplish them in a timely fashion. This means I can be proud of myself for being a grownup, for being a woman. I no longer have to view my legs as rolls of blubber, I can see them as capable, strong parts of my body that climb mountains, ride bikes, and carry me through my life. I am working on seeing my body as my ally, not as my enemy. Growing up, I was constantly fighting my body, not letting it grow, always seeing it as something to be manipulated, something to hate. I am working now on finding ways to appreciate my body, my strength, my abilities, and my health. 

I can let go of feeling I am a chubby little sister. I can let go of feeling the embarrassment of being the "fat girl." I can let go of feeling like I don't fit anywhere. I can let go of the fear of eating at birthday parties.

I am working on accepting my body so I don't feel trapped and haunted by comments from 20 years ago, or an image I created of myself when I was a child. I'm working on accepting the body I've tried to manipulate for 15 years. I want to be more than a body. When I see myself, I want to see a whole woman with a confident personality. I can see my strength, my sense of humor, my smile, my talents, and my abilities.