How It Affects Us

I've been reading many articles about Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's. I'm sure we all have. These articles have explained in beautiful detail how her performance was racist, progressive for bisexuality, a "grinding declaration of her adulthood".

I'd like to voice my own opinion on the performance without slut-shaming, without the usual "oh, how sad, look what sweet little Hannah Montana has turned into," but expressing what I experienced while watching videos of the performance.

I don't have television, I didn't see the VMA's live, so when the cyberspace exploded on Monday about this performance I started doing research, watching videos (I had to confirm my age several times to watch the performance), reading articles, and, as a feminist, here's what I have to say:

What do performances like Miley Cyrus' at the VMA's mean for the rest of us? First of all, I had to "urban dictionary" the term 'twerking' as it was in most headlines. Miley threw this move into her choreography many times in her performance. The shock value of this performance was frighteningly high, as I feel it is for most things in our culture currently. I feel like people are banking more and more on shock value to get attention. Everything has to have shock value or it goes unnoticed.

We can claim we are immune, that these acts don't affect us. But media (television, magazines, advertising, and especially pop stars) dictate our culture and set standards as to how the rest of us are supposed to act, and how we feel we are supposed to be living our lives.

Typical reactions to the performance:
Slut-shaming
Shaming the music
Claiming it's not music
Shaming Miley, herself ("What a hot mess")
Claiming, "This doesn't affect me..."

But it does...and here's how...

Because Miley's performance was so shocking, it affects the standards and 'ups the ante'.

How it affects me:

• It affects the way I feel I need to dress
• What is appropriate to wear? The standards are changing now that a 20 year old can parade around in a gold bikini and rip off a furry leotard.
• It affects the way I feel people see me
• Do I need to act like that? Do I need to gyrate against the man who is in charge, to fit in?
• It reinforces women performing instead of experiencing
• In her book Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher explains that in adolescence, girls realize that in order to get what they want out of society, in order to fit in and not make waves, they begin performing instead of experiencing. They find out what others want from them and put themselves on display, take care of others needs, put others before themselves, perform, and become what others want them to be. They perform instead of getting in touch with their own wants, needs, and desires. Instead of taking care of themselves and experiencing their lives. Women become a display, we neglect ourselves and our experience to perform and fit in in order to survive. With her performance, Miley upped the ante. Imagine what her experience of that was like, if she had one at all. This further perpetuates the notion of women needing to perform instead of experience. She was completely on display, taking care of the man's needs, neglecting her own experience. If she was striving for her own, positive, experience I doubt she would be running around stripping leotards off, sticking her tongue out at the audience, and creating such a ruckus in the headlines.
• It makes me feel like I have to compete with THAT for attention
• Miley upped the ante of what is acceptable. How am I supposed to behave now? I'm not a prude, but she was so publicly sexual, it makes me question intimacy, and how our society is viewing intimacy now. 

How it affects daughters:

• It affects the way they dress
• "No, you may not wear that gold bikini and be Miley Cyrus for Halloween"
• It affects the way they feel they have to act
• Will twerking be the new norm at middle school dances (did I use that word right?)
• Her fan club is aging with her, "Are we supposed to act like that now? OMG!"
•  She was wearing pigtails, dancing with teddy bears
• Which means she is still trying to act like a child. By behaving that way while adorned with a hairdo associated with younger girls, prancing around with teddy bears, she is sexualizing children and still trying to appeal to her younger crowd. She is terrifyingly reflecting child pornography. I think this was the most upsetting part of the performance for me, and I haven't seen it mentioned in any article anywhere.

How it affects sons:

• It confuses boys as to if that's what they're supposed to be attracted to
• It changes their expectations of women
• Adolescent boys are confused as to what sort of girls they should be giving attention to, what kind and how to give that attention. This performance gave a display of women that now boys may expect that sort of behavior from girls, that is confusing for men and women. 

That's it. I don't think anyone actually took her seriously as much as we were embarrassed for her, but it's acts like this that 'up the ante' and change the standards. We need to take this, and how the media affects us, seriously.

Taking Care of Cody

I have an 11 month old Golden Retriever. His name is Cody. I've had him since he was 8 weeks old. He goes everywhere with me. He is the love of my life. Every morning, when he hears my alarm go off, he comes over and gently puts his head on the bed, ready for his morning pets. We walk downstairs together to make coffee. As soon as he gets into the living room, he rolls on his back and looks at me, "I love you. Rub my belly." I cuddle with him in the living room while water for my coffee boils. This is how we start our day everyday. 

His ears perk up when I walk into the bathroom, as this is where I keep his food. He starts wiggling when he hears me scooping kibble into his bowl. A glucosamine pill and plenty of kibble are set in the living room and quickly scarfed down. Cody loves to eat.

Cody greets me when I get home from work. I open the door and see his nose poke around trying to get to me. He's wiggling, bumping into me, excited to see me. And, almost immediately, he's on his back "I love you I'm so glad to see you. Rub my belly."

Cody gets two meals a day, one with a glucosamine pill for his joints. Cody gets Dentastix. Cody gets brushed almost everyday. The house is littered with his toys. Cody gets two walks a day, no matter what. Cody gets caressed, pet, and loved. I tell him hundreds of times a day what a good boy he is and how much I love him. 

Cody runs beside my bike, he stays out of the way of the wheels, and darts into bushes chasing squirrels. He runs up ahead, stops, and looks back at me, "I'm so glad we're biking today. Watch me run!" He checks in to make sure I'm still part of the pack and then takes off running through the woods. He drinks out of my Camelbak and takes breaks in the shade. 

We went on a really long bike ride yesterday. It was much more than I bargained for. Cody ran the whole time. I watch him closely for signs of exhaustion and he didn't show any. Today Cody looks like he's hurting and I feel awful watching him hobble around like an old man. I know I pushed his limits yesterday and I am heartbroken about it. 

I take really good care of Cody. I realize that the way I pushed Cody yesterday is reflective of the way I push myself in my daily life and am furious with myself for it. 

I push myself well past the point of exhaustion on any given run or ride. I'll not eat sufficient nutrients to support my body during exercise. I won't eat nutrients to support daily activity and I'll expect my body to function normally regardless. In terms of self-care, I don't spend much time taking care of my needs, taking care of myself. I don't spend on positive, loving thoughts directed at myself. When I look in the mirror I am devastated by what I see and berate myself for not being thin enough, not having the perfect body. 

Cody looks at me and sees nothing but positive energy coming his way. I take really good care of Cody: I brush him, feed him, walk him, make sure his water bowl is always full. All while I starve and dehydrate myself. 

I need to start treating myself the way I treat Cody. I would never starve Cody or make him go without water. I would never assume his needs are unnecessary or unwarranted. I will never push him athletically the way I did yesterday. I take really good care of Cody. I spoil him because I love him. I wonder what my life would be like if I spoiled myself because I loved myself and believed I deserved it?

I would drink when I am thirsty. I would eat when I am hungry. I would cry when I am sad. I would run until I was tired and then STOP. I would look in the mirror and send loving energy to my body. I would acknowledge that I have needs. I would believe I deserved my needs to be met.  

Remember that one time?

Having an eating disorder means your mind is occupied with thoughts of weight, calories, food, the size of your jeans, what you ate earlier, what you ate yesterday, and what you're going to eat later today. All the time. It's obsessive. It feels non-stop. Like an ipod of self deprecating thoughts on repeat. For those in this struggle these thoughts are everything. When I'm really struggling I judge everyday by how my jeans feel, what I did or did not eat. I judge everyday through the eyes of my eating disorder, and that's what makes up my life, what makes up my memories.

I've started to look around and see how other people judge their lives and create their memories. A phrase comes to mind. "Remember that one time?" I have a vision of people sitting around, laughing, reliving their greatest memories. "Remember that time Joey did a back flip off that bridge into the lake?" "Remember that huge party we used to throw every Fourth of July?" "Remember that one time...?" Fill in the blank. People are out there living their lives, existing without eating disorders. These are real memories. Real life. 

I think of my memories and they include:
Remember that time those skinny jeans finally fit?
Remember that time I had to put a belt on cause my pants kept falling off?
Remember the first time you threw up?
Remember the first time you stepped on that scale?
Remember all those times you said, "I ate before I came"? 

These don't count. 

This is not a life lived to the fullest. 

My latest goal is to start noticing all the times in my life I can laugh with friends and say, "Remember that one time...?" I want to start making real memories that have nothing to do with my weight, food, calories, or body size. My life needs to be full of activities that occupy my mind and keep me engaged in a healthy life.

When I look back on my life, I want it to count. What memories are you making?

Short post on Eating Disorder Awareness

I watched Matt Ryd's Eating Disorder Awareness video this morning and several things struck me. Watch it, it's beautiful and powerful. He brought ED awareness to me, someone who's had an eating disorder for 11 years. I am sorry to say we lost this powerful voice last week. Donations are being made in his name to NEDA and ANAD.

First of all, he had a quote that was powerful to me... "What?! I thought eating disorders were a teenage girl's disease." This hit home with me, because I'm 25 and still struggling with something I've been fighting since I was 8. Even in the last few weeks I've been thinking, "Geez, why haven't I outgrown this yet? Isn't this a teenage girl's disease?" I have to keep reminding myself, as Matt Ryd reminded me, eating disorders strike all age groups, all races, all genders, and all sexual orientations. That I'm not out of line in my struggles. That anyone can be struggling with an eating disorder and I am not alone. I have to remind myself the same thing with depression. I keep thinking to myself lately, "I feel like a melodramatic teenager. Shouldn't I have outgrown this by now?" Matt's video reminded me that depression can affect anyone, not just melodramatic teenagers. He reminded me that what I'm feeling is real, and validated my emotions and mood swings. 
Even for someone who's struggled for most of their life, it takes a powerful, brave hero like Matt to stand up and remind me that I am not struggling alone. I am not alone in recovery. His quote, "You know someone with an eating disorder," was powerful to me, because I am not public about having an eating disorder. I often wonder how many people I could impact if I was public about my struggles and about my recovery process. Matt was brave, a hero, and an inspiration to continue on my road to recovery. Rest in peace. 

Taking Up Space

I've never wanted to take up space. I've never wanted to attract unwanted attention. Never wanted to be seen as having needs or even therefore existing. I usually apologize for taking up space. But the other night I took up space. I had needs. 
I went dancing/clubbing with my best friend. We got to the club right as it was opening. People scattered around the bar sipping drinks. The multicolored lights flickered around the dark, empty dance floor. The music was blaring, people were bobbing to the beat, but no one was occupying the actual dance floor.
We didn't skip a beat, but walked straight to the middle of the empty dance floor and began dancing. At first I was extremely self conscious. Everyone at the bar was watching our lonely selves dancing. Alone. On the dance floor. The dance floor was huge. Unoccupied, it seemed to stretch out on all sides of us and only stopped where eyes peering over drinks were glancing at us, casting judgement. Because we were alone. And then I remembered how much I love dancing. My body moving to the rhythm of the music. It is soulful. Its rhythmic. I closed my eyes, threw my head back and let the music drown out any judgement being cast my way.
I had walked onto that dance floor not wanted to take up space. And suddenly I didn't care how big I became. I could become as big as I wanted, because I was out on the dance floor alone. I stretched out my arms and energy pulsed through them all the way out to my finger tips. I was aware of every part of my body. And I wasn't judging it.
My initial instinct when thinking about my body is to judge it. Last night, while dancing, I was stepping, jumping, laughing, kicking, bobbing my head, and I wasn't judging myself.I was apologetically taking up space. After about 30 minutes of bouncing around the empty dance floor more people began to join us. 
What I learned the other night was that I can enjoy my body. My body is allowed to bring me joy. I gave myself permission to be as big as I could be.
In times past it's been my habit to be disconnected from my body. To not inhabit the "it" that is a body I have not yet been able to claim as mine.
Walking onto an empty dance floor, taking up space, not apologizing for it, and dancing alone was a reclamation of my body I cannot remember ever experiencing. I felt enlightened, connected, and alive. 

On another note... I've started a project. A body image project. While at CHS we would do "creative representations" of certain aspects of our recovery. I've started doing one "creative representation" a day of my body; how I see my body, what it means to me on any given day. I know that my body image, how I perceive my body, changes day to day. It can even change minute to minute. I'm drawing how I see my body everyday for a few months to watch how it changes and journaling emotions to see how my emotions are connected to my body image. I'm working on improving how I see my body. I think this is a creative way to turn my body perceptions inside out and improve them by understanding them first.

On Boundaries

Boundaries (n, pl): 
Something that indicates a border or a limit.

Simple as that. 

Emotional boundaries let us know where we end and another person begins. They allow us to have healthy relationships. When I inform the world of my boundaries, it shows what I will and will not stand for. Boundaries let me know what I am willing to protect and they let me know what I deserve. Boundaries are a set of attitudes and behaviors that let the world know what to expect from me. They are part of my identity and create strength and self-worth, a sense of individuality. 

In recovery I've had to rediscover and redefine my boundaries for my emotional and mental health. I set boundaries regarding my family and friends. I set boundaries regarding my employment. I set boundaries regarding recovery itself. 

Recovery Boundaries

• Recovery comes first, no matter what. Recovery comes before my family, my friends, my employment, my education. I know very well I cannot have any of these: relationships, education, employment, with a raging eating disorder. So, my recovery comes first. Always. No matter what.
• No weighing. No counting. No looking at labels. No "fat" talk. No dieting. Each of these eating disordered behaviors will only lead to more eating disordered behaviors, so the boundary I set is that I will not engage in any of them.

Family Boundaries

• I have some experiences that are mine that I do not need to share with my family. I find things to do where I will not be seeking my family's approval. Running, cycling, and skiing are all things that I can do by myself, all things I establish my personality away from my family. Where I can be myself and find myself as an individual. 
• Coming out of treatment I established that I ate at 8:30, 12:30, and 6:30, no matter what, with snacks in between. This was a boundary regarding eating that I set to keep myself from skipping meals.  

Relationship Boundaries

• You will not ignore me
• You will pay attention to me
• You will support me and my goals
• You will love me like I deserve to be loved
• You will appreciate the way I live my life

Setting boundaries takes a firm sense of self. It takes practice and a lot of energy. The first few times I stood up for myself I was terrified that people would be angry with me or not like me anymore. I discovered that other's respect for me grew when I vocalized my needs and stood up for myself. 

Intuitive Eating as it applies to ED recovery

As I pull myself back on track, I think now is a good time to visit the Intuitive Eating Principles, the principles I strive to live by. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch wrote their book Intuitive Eating, based on these 10 principles. It is basically eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. Saying it simply makes it sound easy, but to someone with an eating disorder this is often the most challenging thing I do in and out of every day. I highly recommend visiting their website, http://www.intuitiveeating.org/content/10-principles-intuitive-eating, to see how Tribole and Resch outline the 10 principles. Below I will outline what each principle means to me and my history. 

1. Reject the Diet Mentality

Our society is addicted to dieting. What would you say if you had cancer and the doctor told you the treatment he had in mind had something like a 95% failure rate? You wouldn't try that treatment, right? Dieting has something like 95% failure rate, yet people continue to bounce around from diet to diet thinking that each new diet is the cure for their body hatred. "This is the diet, this one will work." I did. I dieted most of my childhood. It did nothing but mess up my hunger signals, trick me into hating my body, and make me feel guilty if I was ever eating, if I was ever not on a diet. 

The Diet Mentality is a form of restriction. It is a form of control. To me, it is a mentality that says that I am better because I am dieting. It keeps me trapped thinking that I will find the perfect me eventually, it is a cycle that never allows me to just be, but keeps me striving for something I will never achieve because I can always be dieting. Rejecting this mentality to me means not counting, not weighing, not looking at labels, not restricting from certain food groups, and saying "no!" to that voice in my head that needs control and controls by controlling food.

2. Honor Your Hunger

I need to listen to my body and accept that I feel hunger. I do not need to control my hunger. I do not need to control my needs. Hunger does not mean that I am fat or lazy, hunger means I am human. Once I accept this, I need to honor my hunger by eating. If my hunger goes ignored, for too long, it triggers my urge to binge. Or, if I restrict for too long, it triggers my urge to keep restricting. When I do not honor my hunger it triggers my eating disorder urges. Honoring my hunger means, first acknowledging that I am hungry. Once I acknowledge I am hungry, I decide how hungry I am, then I eat an appropriate amount to honor my hunger. 

3. Make Peace with Food 

I have been at war with food most of my life. For the last few years, the times when I am strongest in my recovery is when I am not thinking of food as the enemy but as my ally. Food makes me strong, food gives me energy to live my life to the fullest. Food helps me think clearly. Food is fuel and nourishment. When I am nourished and healthy, I think clearly, I have energy, I am happy, I am excited. I give myself unconditional permission to eat. What used to lead to binges was the thought that I'd never get to eat again. I used to think that my eating disorder was never going to let me eat again, so I had to eat all I could while I was allowed, and that led to binges. But when I have unconditional permission to eat, the urge to binge dissipates. 

4. Challenge the Food Police 

The Food Police are those voices in your head that create abstract, unreasonable rules regarding food. Or say you are good or bad for eating or not eating certain foods. Some of the rules the Food Police create are just plain weird. I liken the food police to my Ed, my eating disorder. I have full on conversations with them. They tell me not to eat something or congratulate me for a successful restriction. I argue with them, using my Wise Mind, saying that I need to eat to have energy and health. That restricting is not recovery oriented and I no longer classify myself as good or bad based on food choices, but based on who I am as a person.

5. Respect Your Fullness

This to me is huge because I have to stay balanced between too full and too empty. In my first couple years of recovery I had to stay extremely mindful all the time because if I got too full, it triggered my urge to purge. If I got to hungry it triggered my urge to restrict. I have a hunger scale I refer to. A 10 is totally stuffed, a 1 is starving. I have to keep myself between a 4-7 on the scale so I don't trigger my urge to purge and I don't trigger my urge to restrict. Respecting my fullness to me, means staying mindful. Being respectful of my body means I don't need to be uncomfortably full, or empty, anymore. 

6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor 

Satiation is knowing when you've had enough. It is not when you are full, but when you are satisfied. This continues to be hard for me because I don't necessarily enjoy eating yet. I still think of it as a task. I enjoy grilling with friends, I enjoy going out on dates, but a simple meal by myself I put no effort into. I am working on this because I understand I deserve to be satisfied and I am working on the notion that satisfaction can come from food. For example, I can make myself a nice dinner even if there is no one there to enjoy it with. I can make it and enjoy it because I deserve it. I can eat to the point of satisfaction, taste it, enjoy it, and stop when I am satiated. I can do this just because I am me and I deserve it. 

7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food 

Crying, laughing, screaming, talking, and standing up for myself are all ways I've discovered are effective ways to cope with emotions without using food. I do not need to calm myself by controlling what I eat. Lately, writing has been a really great way for me to process my emotions and my life. When I first started treatment I had to acknowledge I was feeling emotions. Once I know I'm feeling the emotion I can process through it instead of numbing it with the eating disorder.  

8. Respect Your Body 

This is really hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my body, and I wish I could have another one. But then I'll go do something incredible, like climb Mt Shasta or run through Desolation Wilderness or ride a great bike ride and I'm reminded how much my body does for me and I am extremely grateful for it. I have to remind myself not to manipulate my body size. Just like I can't manipulate my height or my shoe size, I cannot manipulate my weight. I am working on accepting my natural body weight. I try to focus more on what my body does for me than what I want to change about it. I am grateful for my creative arms and hands, I am grateful for my brain, I am grateful for my powerful legs, and nurturing smile. 

9. Exercise--Feel the Difference 

The key word here is feel. Listen to your body. Feel your body move through space. Feel how your energy manifests itself in the world. Stop forcing yourself to exercise to lose weight. Forget about calories. Stop thinking and start feeling. 

10 Honor Your Health

To me this means honoring my physical, my spiritual, and my mental health. Honoring my physical health means I pay attention to my self-care, I take my meds, I get my playtime in when I have energy, I eat enough to fuel my activities. Honoring my mental health means maintaining my relationships, vocalizing my opinions, emoting when I need to, and processing emotions when they arise, not stuffing them away for later. Honoring my spiritual health means spending alone time to think and meditate. It means taking quiet time away from stress to decompress and realign myself. In this quiet time I am able to reaffirm my self-worth. Honoring my health is honoring myself, taking time to take care of me and give myself what I deserve.