Accepting My Body

Body image: how you perceive your body 

With eating disorders, negative body image is usually the first thing to show up in the struggle and the last thing to leave in recovery. I still struggle with body image to this day. I started struggling when I was eight. 

Struggling, to me, means I hate being in my body. It means I see my body as many sizes larger than actuality. It means dealing with the shame and depression of feeling "fat". I get really upset sometimes that I have such distorted body image that I don't get to see the body the rest of the world sees when I look in the mirror. And the way I perceive my body can change minute to minute. It can change based on what is going on in my life, based on my emotional state. If I'm really stressed, or sad, or angry, suddenly my body is several sizes larger than it was three minutes earlier. I know my body is not swelling up several sizes, but it feels so real. 

What I've learned in my recovery is how to deal with this distorted body image and not act on thoughts driving me to change my body. When I'm struggling with body image, urges to restrict surface.The eating disorder will tell me not to eat. It will limit me to eating somethings and not others. It convinces me I'm full and do not need to eat, even though I haven't eaten anything. When I'm having a bad body image day, I have to be strong and not let my eating disorder rule my decisions. I know when I'm struggling with body image. I can pinpoint it now. I feel huge in my body. I want to change everything about my body. I'm ashamed to go out in public in my body. I am terrified that none of my clothes will fit and am shocked when they fit the same as they have for years. 

My objective reality is that I know I am the same size. My clothes have fit the same for years. Nothing about my body has changed. I am not swelling up and out of control, even though there are voices in my head telling me that I am with every bite. I stay strong and know I am at my natural body weight. I have been at this weight for years. Eating normally. The next step is accepting that this is my natural weight and disconnecting from the desire and desperation to lose weight. 

Accepting my body means focusing on other things in my life; it means letting go of the weight loss goals that I've spent my life pursuing.

Accepting my body means standing out in our society, as not many women are accepting and loving of their bodies.

Accepting my body means abandoning my eating disorder.

Being in my real body means being real and authentic in my personality.

Being in my body just as it is means I have to trust the world will accept me just the way I am.

This is taking a lot of courage, acceptance, trust, and willingness. I feel like I've been struggling with body image for so long, I'm exhausted and sick of fighting my body. It would be a lie to say I've accepted my body, I love my body, and sing its praises. It is more honest to speak of my progress and how far I've come. I'm no longer willing to make sacrifices to change my body. I know my emotional state has an effect on how I see my body. I'm working toward the day when I look in a mirror and like what I see. Better yet, I'm working toward the day when I don't compulsively look in mirrors to check the size of my body because I have a great enough self concept as it is. I do not need to check on the size of my body for validation. 

My body image is improving. Now I focus on how capable I am. I have great balance. I climb mountains. I ride bikes. I ski fast. I run like the wind. I play hard and sleep deeply. My body takes me great places and I am grateful for it. That's how far I've come. I'm grateful for my body.