Incredible Things... my inspiration to recover

I want to do incredible things. 

I remember this when I am struggling. I say it to myself, I repeat it like a mantra. 

I've had my struggles lately. I hate admitting it, but its true. The perfectionist inside me wants everyone to believe that I'm perfect in my recovery, but I've had some real stress in my life lately and am learning how to process it without turning to eating disordered behaviors. The behavior I'm struggling with the most right now is restricting. I've learned over the last few years the more I engage in a behavior the harder it is to fight the next time the urge surfaces. If I restrict, or skip a meal, its addicting to me. My eating disorder takes this and runs with it. I know that it will be even harder to eat the next time I try, because I previously engaged in restricting.

The urge to restrict surfaces because my eating disorder has me convinced that if I can change my body, I'll change the way I can handle a situation. If I were thinner, I would handle this situation better. If I were in a different body, I would handle this situation differently. My Wise Mind knows this is not the case.    

I want to do incredible things.

When I am engaging in my eating disorder, indulging in restricting, not nourishing my body, I become weak. When I am not getting the proper nutrients my brain doesn't function as great as I'm used to. A bunch of things go wrong in my body when I'm not eating properly. 

The first thing I notice is how light headed I get. I've almost passed out driving and I can't stay focused at work. The second is that I get weak. I consider myself an athlete. I consider myself a very capable woman; on bikes, skis, on foot, you name it, I have a very strong body. I keep up. I like to lead the pack. When I'm not eating properly, when I'm not eating enough, I feel weak. I get lethargic. I can't keep up. As hard as I try, I cannot muster up the strength to perform at the level I know I'm capable of. Feeling weak breaks my heart, because I know what I am capable of. I love feeling strong.

I want to do incredible things.

The eating disorder takes away my capability to do incredible things. It takes away my brain power that makes it possible for me to write. It takes away my physical power. It takes away my power to inspire. 

When I am fighting, struggling, and know I need to eat a balanced diet and nourish myself properly, I remember that I want to do incredible things. I want to climb mountains, ride my bike up (and down!) steep hills, run through the wilderness like an animal, and think clearly so I can write and connect with others. 

My inspiration to eat is that I want to do incredible things, and I can't do any of the things I want to if I am not eating.