Its Crazy-Making

In a recent conversation with a girlfriend of mine who is also in recovery, we realized how having an eating disorder can make you feel as though you are going mad. Crazy. Psycho. Losing your mind. An example of this would be, when I'm having a bad day, I might go to the grocery store up to four times in a day trying to decide on what I'm willing to eat.

Tangent on WILLINGNESS: There is a difference between the phrases "I can't," "I won't" and "I'll try".

For me the phrase, "I can't" means I am completely under control of the eating disorder. "I can't" means the eating disorder is making all my decisions for me. 
Examples would be, "I can't eat that," "I can't keep it down." 

When I transition into saying "I won't" I am taking back some of my power from the eating disorder. I know I have the option to disobey the eating disorder. "I won't eat that". I might not eat it, but I know I have the option. I am not completely obeying the eating disorder, I know I have choices. I may still make the eating disordered decision, but at least I know I have choices and don't have to blindly obey.

When I transition into saying "I'll try" I am actively making recovery oriented decisions. 

I say, "I'll try to eat that." To keep myself active in my recovery, I say, "I'll try."

When I am having a bad day, and I consider myself struggling, I continue to say "I'll try." The eating disorder makes me feel crazy in that I will go to the grocery store and get something that I think sounds appetizing. I will take it home to eat, saying, "I'll try to eat this." I get home and suddenly the eating disorder voice in my head is so loud I can't hear anything. Suddenly, "I can't" eat it. For various reasons. The eating disorder will convince me that what I made doesn't sound appetizing anymore, that I don't need it, that my body doesn't want it. I will go BACK to the grocery store to find something else I am willing to eat. I get home to try to eat, and the eating disorder won't let me eat. This might happen several times a day. I keep trying and the eating disorder keeps fighting. This makes me feel like I'm going mad. I feel like I'm crazy because I can't just go to a grocery store, pick out something that sounds delicious, and eat it. When I'm struggling, it's a battle.

In my recovery, a realization that I've made to help me recover, is that my brain operates differently than other people's because I have an eating disorder. I say that to myself sometimes and don't believe it. I have an eating disorder. My brain works differently, I interpret the world differently, because I have an eating disorder. This means that I have a filter in my brain that interprets everything I see, everything I hear, as an opportunity to lose weight, or self-destruct. I have come to the conclusion that my brain operates completely differently than other people's. I see and experience the world through the filter of the eating disorder. This means that every comment, every experience can be turned into one where the eating disorder tells me I’m fat, I need to lose weight, I’m not worthy, and I don’t deserve anything. Sometimes this filter, and the thoughts it creates, makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I have practiced separating myself out from the eating disorder. I try to act on self-nurturing thoughts, not self-destructive ones. I recognize when the eating disorder is talking and when my Wise Mind is speaking. I listen to my objective reality. Sometimes the battles between objective reality, and Wise Mind, versus the eating disorder are so great its enough to make you feel as though you are going crazy. You can't believe one person can have that many thoughts going on in their brain at once. All the contradictory thoughts at once. 

If you have, and are recovering from, an eating disorder you are not alone in the feeling of going mad. Many of us completely understand. I think recovering from an eating disorder is learning how to deal with these crazy-making thoughts. I remember to keep taking deep breaths and listen to my Wise Mind. I act on self nurturing thoughts, not self destructive ones. I know I am not going crazy. It's just part of having, and recovering from an eating disorder.