The Last Four Years

June 22, 2009

“You can relax now, Mom. I'm in good hands. They'll take good care of me here, you're done. Thank you for everything.” She nodded. My mom had worked hard to get me into the Center for Hope of the Sierras. I think she felt awful because she could never love me enough to take away my eating disorder. She really did everything a mom could do to try and save me from the beast inside me and it still took over.

With that, my parents left me in good hands. I put my armor on and got ready to fight the beast that had been plaguing me for the last fifteen years.

When I walked into CHS on June 22, 2009 I was ready to recover. I had lived in misery for so long I was ready to be done. I was sick of fighting. I was sick of fighting with my family about my eating disorder. Sick of spending all my money on binge food and diet pills, sick of counting calories, sick of compulsively trying to burn more than I ate. So sick. I was ready to be done with it. I believe this is why I have been so successful in my recovery. I was ready to recover. I knew I never wanted to live that way again. I wanted out of the trap. I needed help. I needed to recover. I would take time to heal. I would do it now, and I would never come back.

Half-way through treatment. Around the time when my hair stopped falling out.

I spent 101 days in treatment. From June 22 to October 1. Everyday I woke up and fought. Everyday was a struggle. I did it courageously. I untangled my eating disorder. I learned why I needed it, why I needed the behaviors, and how the addiction had been serving me for so many years. June 22nd is a day of celebration for me. It's the last day, four years ago, I weighed myself. This is the day I began to live my life without an eating disorder. I am proud of everything I have accomplished. Looking back, I feel like I used to live a dark past life, I am a completely different person. I have come so far.

The last four years have been an amazing journey. Without my eating disorder, I've learned how to live a real life as myself, not obsessing about calories or weight. I have a real personality, I do real things in my life. I tend to myself and my well being.

I've learned new sports...

 I've met amazing people and have a great group of friends...

 I have a great job...

 ...an amazing dog...

...and a loving, supportive family

I know none of this would be possible had I continued along with an eating disorder. I have worked extremely hard the last few years to get where I am today.
Things that have helped:

• Creating a recovery minded space to live in
• Setting the boundary that "Recovery Comes First"
• My recovery is my first priority in my life no matter what
• Stopping the behaviors
• the less I engage in the behaviors the weaker the urges are
• Acknowledging, and processing through, emotions healthily
• Not weighing myself
• Working on body acceptance
• Separating my Wise Mind out from eating disordered thoughts and behaviors
• Knowing my brain operates differently because I have an eating disorder
• I see things and interpret the world through the filter of the eating disorder

While in treatment I learned that my eating disorder is a coping mechanism. I've spent the last few years developing other, healthy coping mechanisms and learning how to take care of myself without an eating disorder. I've spent the last few years knowing that life is possible without my eating disorder. It all started on June 22, 2009. This is a huge day for me. I'm proud of myself and how far I've come. 

I am grateful to everyone who has been here with me along this journey. My family has been unconditionally supportive. My therapists have helped me figure out all the tangled aspects of my eating disorder. Everyone at the Center for Hope of the Sierras made my journey back to life possible. Thank you.