Learning to Cope

The eating disorder as a coping mechanism

The eating disorder was a way for me to numb myself, to stop myself from feeling emotions. It was a way to hide from the world when I couldn't handle a situation. When I began to feel an emotion or became overwhelmed, the eating disorder would come in and occupy my mind with obsessive thoughts. It took over everything. For years it was a relief. I never had too be angry. I never had to be sad. I never felt betrayed. I never felt lonely. I had my eating disorder to hold onto. I was completely numb from the world. I focused on weight and calories and eating disordered behaviors. For the time I was obsessing, I could escape from my life.

Along with never feeling negative emotions, I was never allowed to feel positive emotions either. I never felt real joy. I never connected with people and made real friends. I never took risks and trusted relationships. I never let happiness fully into my life. I never needed to. I had my eating disorder. And I thought it was all I ever needed. It kept me sheltered from all the emotions of the world. I never had to deal with boredom, loneliness, anger, or depression. Instead, I dealt with my eating disorder. Whenever emotions surfaced, I turned to my eating disorder and the behaviors to soothe, and distract, me.

In recovery, the behaviors are not an option. When the behaviors are not an option, the emotions surface and need to be processed through healthily, instead of suffocated with starving or bingeing and purging. I process my emotions by first acknowledging the emotion is there. I say out loud,

"I'm angry." 

"I'm sad." 

"I'm lonely." 

"I'm frustrated."

I label the emotion and this helps me process through it. I give myself permission to feel emotions, even though it may be uncomfortable, even though it may feel icky for a while. I let myself feel the emotion and live in it, so I can move through it, instead of ignoring it. While living in the emotion I let myself cry, scream, whine and emote to get through it and get it out of my system. I give myself permission to feel. I know my emotions are valid. I am human and am allowed to process how I feel.

In the last few months I've come to the conclusion that I'm sensitive. And that's okay. My whole life I've been told to "Buck up," that "It's just pain," and "Oh, come on." Basically I've been told to get over it, stuff my feelings inside, don't feel, be strong, don't acknowledge pain or sadness. I know now that it is alright to be emotional. I am human. My emotions make up my humanity. Along with all the heartbreaks, sadness, and anger I experience comes indescribable excitement, joy, and love.

I no longer use the eating disorder to numb myself from the world. I acknowledge and process through emotions. I talk about them with friends, family, and therapists. I give myself permission to feel the emotion and live in it and am able to move on. I'm sensitive. I'm loving. I get sad sometimes. But I am also immeasurably happy. No longer numb. I am alive. Exactly the opposite of what the eating disorder wanted from me. I've learned how to cope with emotions healthily and continued taking power away from the eating disorder.