To Date, Like Normal

When I was deep in my struggle with my eating disorder, even the most mundane, normal tasks of life seemed impossible. Life events such going out with friends, dating, going to school, even holding a job seemed unfeasible. I fight for my recovery because I want to feel normal and do normal things that make up a healthy life.

The decision to go into treatment was made when I was away at school watching a movie with my boyfriend. A scene of two people out on a date came up. The movie was a comedy and I began sobbing when a realization hit me. “I’m never going to be able to do that. I’m never going to be able to go out on a date.
I’m never going to be normal. I’m never going to be able to sit and eat a meal with someone and be normal. I’m 21 and I’ll never be able to date. I’ll never be able to share a meal with someone, to sit across the table from someone and eat. I’m never going to be normal,” I sobbed as he held me.

“You think you should go into treatment, Bud?” That was our nickname for each other, Buddy.

It had never occurred to me to go into treatment. I never thought I’d be that person. I was never sick enough to go into treatment. I was never disordered enough. I always had it under control. Mostly, though, I was never thin enough. I would never be thin enough. I nodded through the tears.

To be able to go on a date was, and is, my motivation to stay in recovery. When I was struggling in treatment the girls would continue to remind me why I was there. "You want to be able to go on a date, like normal, right? If you want to be able to date, you have to beat this eating disorder." I'd continue to fight as hard as I could. I'd continue to eat. I'd make recovery oriented decisions. Because I wanted to be able to sit at a table with someone, read a menu, order a meal, and enjoy it without my eating disorder haunting me, shaming me, and trying to make all my decisions for me. 

In years past, a date would be fraught with debilitating anxiety. I would be trying to hold a conversation with another person while the voices in my head conversed about the amount of calories I was ingesting, where I and how I was going to get rid of them, and what everyone in my surroundings was thinking about me for eating. I couldn't focus on anything but what the eating disorder was demanding of me. It was as if there was no other person there. It was always as though I was on a date with my eating disorder.

I am free now. I can date. I can read a menu. I can laugh and engage in real conversations over meals, without the eating disorder ruling me. I have enjoyed many beautiful meals with amazing men, allowing my personality to shine through; not worried about food, calories, or bmi. I was 21 when I surrendered and thought I'd never be able to enjoy that part of normal life. I am 25 now and am taking my power back and learning how to date.

That's what my motivation for recovery is. That's where the title comes from. Find your motivation for recovery and constantly remind yourself that it's worth it to be able to date, like normal.