Comments on the Body

"You're looking nice and trim. Looking good."

My eyes opened wide, I clenched my jaw, and I took a huge, deep breath before I nodded and changed the subject.

My grandparents are in town for the weekend. Family gatherings are triggering. Whenever my grandparents are around my family enters into a land where the pursuit of perfection is the only thing that matters. We want to say the perfect thing, act perfectly, act mature, be seen as perfectly successful. Even if these views are dated from our history and are no longer current, we still fall back in these patterns from my childhood. I feel the eating disorder creeping in, telling me how to be perfect, setting new goals for me, talking to me, wanting to hold my hand and guide me through the stress of wanting to appear perfect for my grandparents.

My grandpa mentioned that I looked slim, trim, 'in shape.' I wanted to scream. My head already reeling, trying to fight the eating disorder from creeping back in, I hear these comments about my body and the eating disorder runs wild in my head. I try to silence it, but being thin has been a life long goal for me and letting go of that goal has been like trying to let go of a religion. When someone comments on my body, it always seems like a "lose, lose" situation.  A compliment will be construed as a way to harness me back in to try to keep losing weight. Any other comment could be devastating and a way for my to fall back into the eating disorder's grips. 

Ways I can combat the eating disorder when it comes creeping back in:

Comment: "You're looking nice and trim. Looking good."- my grandpa
Ed: "Yes! Haha, we are succeeding once again, come back to me and we will be a stick figure again."
Wise Mind: "First of all, that's a really insensitive thing to say to someone with an eating disorder, especially if you know my history. But I refuse to be a victim. I have been very active lately because it is summer and I've been spending a lot of time on my bike. I may have lost a little weight but I need to stay on track."
Ed: "You could keep riding and running and just cut a few calories. Just a few."
Wise Mind: "Nope. I need to keep eating healthily so I can stay strong on my bicycle. So I can stay strong in recovery. I will eat what my body craves. I will eat when I am hungry and stop when I am satiated."

Comment: "I like your shape."- my boyfriend
Ed: "Shape?! SHAPE!? You can't have a shape. You will have no curves, you will take up no space. Your body will have no SHAPE!"
Wise Mind: "That was a compliment. I am a lady. I will accept that someone can like my body just the way it is and I am not willing to change my body. I am working on accepting my body just the way it is. I have a woman's body and I am allowed to have a shape, I am allowed to take up space."

Comment: "You're legs must be like tree trunks by now"- my dad, regarding all the bike riding I've been doing.
Ed: "That is disgusting. Like the Hulk? You have Hulk legs. They're huge. You will not eat and I don't care if you can't ride your bike anymore. You're legs are huge. Which means the rest of your body is huge. Unacceptable."
Wise Mind: "No, that comment was unacceptable, insensitive, and just plain weird. Yes, you have extremely powerful, strong legs. You have a strong, capable body. Your legs are no bigger than they have been in the past, they are just stronger, more muscular. Think about how great your body feels because you are eating healthily. You are capable, smart, loving, and strong. Keep up the good work. Don't let one insensitive comment spiral you back in a land of self-destruction."

I know my Wise-Mind is strong and can combat eating disordered thoughts when they surface. I have to notice the thoughts are eating disordered. I have to recognize that comments regarding my body are triggering and I have to be completely unwilling to change my body, completely unwilling to indulge the eating disorder, even for a minute.